Bloodninja

All the funny stuff goes in here.
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DexterPunk
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Bloodninja

Post by DexterPunk »

This is probably some of the oldest shit on the web... I'm only posting this because no matter how many times over the years I've read it, I still find myself close to tears when I re-read them. Also, on the off chance some of the people here haven't seen it, then they are missing out and should see it.



<bloodninja> Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
<BritneySpears14> Aight.
<bloodninja> Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
<BritneySpears14> I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
<bloodninja> Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
<BritneySpears14> Oh, I like to play dress up.
<bloodninja> Me too baby.
<BritneySpears14> I kiss you softly on your chest.
<bloodninja> I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
<BritneySpears14> Hey...
<bloodninja> I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 chicken of the Infinite.
<BritneySpears14> Funny I still don't see it.
<bloodninja> I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
<BritneySpears14> You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
<bloodninja> Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
<bloodninja> I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
<BritneySpears14> Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
<bloodninja> Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
<bloodninja> King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
<bloodninja> You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
<bloodninja> Baby?





<Bloodninja> I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
<Sarah19fca> mmmm, okay.
<Bloodninja> I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
<Sarah19fca> Yeah I like it rough.
<Bloodninja> I smack you thick booty.
<Sarah19fca> Oh yeah, that feels good.
<Bloodninja> Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
<Bloodninja> I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
<Sarah19fca> you like that?
<Bloodninja> I peel some bananas.
<Sarah19fca> Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
<Bloodninja> get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
<Sarah19fca> Peanuts?
<Bloodninja> Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
<Sarah19fca> What are you talking about?
<Bloodninja> I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
<Sarah19fca> This is stupid.
<Bloodninja> Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
<Bloodninja> Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
<Bloodninja> Yeeaahhhh.
<Sarah19fca> /ignore
<Bloodninja> Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway.
<Bloodninja> We get on harleys and ride into the sunset.





BloodNinja> Wanna cyber?
<DirtyKate> K, but don't tell anybody ;-)
<DirtyKate> Who are you?
<BloodNinja> I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
<BloodNinja> And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
<DirtyKate> You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
<BloodNinja> Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
<DirtyKate> Haha! OK
<DirtyKate> Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
<BloodNinja> Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
<DirtyKate> I want everything, baby!
<BloodNinja> Is this a delivery?
<DirtyKate> Umm...Yes
<DirtyKate> So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
<BloodNinja> Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
<BloodNinja> Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
<DirtyKate> I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
<BloodNinja> You can't hurry good pizza.
<BloodNinja> I'm on my way now though
<BloodNinja> I'm on my way now though
<DirtyKate> So you're at my front door now.
<BloodNinja> How did you know?
<BloodNinja> I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
<BloodNinja> Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
<DirtyKate> ooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
<BloodNinja> So you're still in the bathroom?
<DirtyKate> Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
<BloodNinja> I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
<DirtyKate> What the fuck?
<DirtyKate> You perverted piece of shit
<DirtyKate> Fuck




<Bloodninja> Wanna cyber?
<MommyMelissa> Sure, you into vegetables?
<Bloodninja> What like gardening an shit?
<MommyMelissa> Yeah, something like that.
<Bloodninja> Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
<Bloodninja> You bend over to harvest your radishes.
<Bloodninja> You bend over to harvest your radishes.
<MommyMelissa> is that it?
<Bloodninja> You water your tomato patch.
<Bloodninja> Are you ready for my fresh produce?
<MommyMelissa> I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
<MommyMelissa> I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
<Bloodninja> I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily.
<Bloodninja> I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
<MommyMelissa> Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
<Bloodninja> my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
<Bloodninja> Damn baby your right, this shit is HOT.
<MommyMelissa> ...
<Bloodninja> My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
<MommyMelissa> What the fuck is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
<Bloodninja> Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
<MommyMelissa> whatever.




<bloodninja> Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
<j_gurli3> thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
<bloodninja> A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
<j_gurli3> haha, ok lets go.
<j_gurli3> i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
<bloodninja> I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
<j_gurli3> haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
<j_gurli3> i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
<bloodninja> Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
<j_gurli3> No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
<bloodninja> Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.
<j_gurli3> stop, cmon be serious.
<bloodninja> It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
<bloodninja> I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
<j_gurli3> thats it.
<bloodninja> Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
<bloodninja> Goddam am I hard now.




<BritneySpears14> Ok, are you ready?
<eminemBNJA> Aight, yeah I'm ready.
<BritneySpears14> I like your music Em... Tee hee.
<eminemBNJA> huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
<BritneySpears14> Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
<BritneySpears14> I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
<eminemBNJA> Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
<BritneySpears14> What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
<eminemBNJA> Oh ****
<BritneySpears14> I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
<eminemBNJA> Oh ****
<eminemBNJA> damn I gotta write down your names or something
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DarrenM
Posts: 7251
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2005 3:21 pm
Location: Sydney

Re: Bloodninja

Post by DarrenM »

sweet17: Hi
bloodninja: hello
bloodninja: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
bloodninja: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
bloodninja: why?
sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
bloodninja: look I’m sorry. I’m just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
bloodninja: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
bloodninja: No. I’m in hiding.
sweet17: LOL
bloodninja: Don’t fucking laugh at me!
bloodninja: This shit is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a fucking break
bloodninja: I’m serious.
sweet17: I don’t get it
bloodninja: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
bloodninja: I’m wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
bloodninja: It’s kindof embarrasing.
bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You are fucking sick.
bloodninja: Send me your picture.
sweet17: why?
bloodninja: so I know you aren’t one of them.
sweet17: One of what?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: I’m not a cop i told you
bloodninja: Then send me your picture.
sweet17: hold on
bloodninja: Hurry up.
bloodninja: Are you there?
bloodninja: fuck you, cop!
sweet17: Hey sorry
sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.
bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities.
bloodninja: Weren’t you!?
sweet17: thats not it
bloodninja: Then what?
sweet17: I don’t want to send you the picture cause I’m not pretty
bloodninja: Most cops aren’t
sweet17: IM NOT A FUCKING COP YOU DICKSHIT!
bloodninja: Then send me the picture.
sweet17: fine. What’s your e-mail?
bloodninja: Just send it through here.
sweet17: alright *PIC*
sweet17: Did you get it?
bloodninja: Hold on. I’m looking.
sweet17: That was me back in may
sweet17: I’ve lost weight since then.
bloodninja: I hope so
sweet17: what?!?
sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
bloodninja: Did it?
sweet17: Yes. I’m not that much smaller than that now.
bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
sweet17: yes
bloodninja: Alright let me find it.
sweet17: kks
bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17: this isn’t you.
bloodninja: I’ll be damned if it ain’t!
sweet17: You don’t look like that.
bloodninja: How the hell do you know?
sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.
bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy….
bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17: Go fuck yourself
bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture
bloodninja: Now my unit won’t get hard for a week.
sweet17: I shouldn’t have sent you that picture.
sweet17: You’ve done nothing but slam me.
sweet17: you hurt me.
bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn’t hurt me?
sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!
bloodninja: Why would I do that?
sweet17: I can’t believe that cops are after you
bloodninja: I can’t believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
sweet17: FUCK YOU!!!
bloodninja: You’d break both of his legs.
sweet17: You’re a fucking wanker!
sweet17: I’ve been teased my whole life because of my weight
sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don’t even know me
bloodninja: Ok. I’m sorry.
sweet17: No you aren’t
bloodninja: You’re right. I’m not.
bloodninja: HAARRRRR!
sweet17: I’m done with you
bloodninja: Aww. I’m sorry.
sweet17: I’m putting you on ignore
bloodninja: Wait a sec
bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.
bloodninja: Wanna start over?
sweet17: No
bloodninja: I’ll eat your kitty
sweet17: You’ll what?
bloodninja: You heard me.
bloodninja: I said I’d eat your kitty.
sweet17: I thought you said you couldn’t get it hard after seeing my picture
bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17: I’d like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
bloodninja: Well I’m not like most men.
bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.
sweet17: Like what?
bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?
sweet17: I don’t know
bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no.
sweet17: I’m afraid to
bloodninja: Why?
sweet17: cause
bloodninja: cause why?
sweet17: well lets see
sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
sweet17: doesn’t that seem strange to you?
bloodninja: Nope
sweet17: well its strange to me
bloodninja: Fine. I won’t do it if you don’t want me to
sweet17: I didn’t say that
bloodninja: So is that a yes?
sweet17: I guess so.
bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
bloodninja: When I start to go limp… you say “HARRRR!!!”
bloodninja: ok?
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You can’t be serious
bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
bloodninja: It’s my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
bloodninja: Then you’ll do it for me?
sweet17: sure
bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.
bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.
bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth c**t.
sweet17: mmmm yeah
bloodninja: uh oh …going limp.
sweet17: Har
bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.
bloodninja: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.
bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I fuck harder
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: HARRRRRRR
bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: this is stupid
bloodninja: …still limp
bloodninja: Do it!
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your asshole.
bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass.
sweet17: WTF?!?!?
bloodninja: They stink really bad.
sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
bloodninja: I ram it up your ass.
sweet17: YOURE A FUCKING PYSCHO!!
bloodninja: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
bloodninja: And turn you into a fucking candy apple…
bloodninja: I kick you in the face!
sweet17: FUCK YOU DICKHEAD!!
bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin…
bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.
bloodninja: …going limp again.
bloodninja: Hello?
bloodninja: Say it!
bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!
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DexterPunk
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Re: Bloodninja

Post by DexterPunk »

HAHA! I can't believe I missed that one. Had forgotten about that too!
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VTRacing
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Re: Bloodninja

Post by VTRacing »

I think bloodninja is Hz.
:teach:
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DexterPunk
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Bloodninja

Post by DexterPunk »

Haha I think you might be on to something there.
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wobblysauce
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Re: Bloodninja

Post by wobblysauce »

Hasn't this been posted before on Arse last year and the year before that..
Some play it safe on the merry-go-round, others go for the thrills of the roller-coaster.

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I have a joke for you. I have a prediction that you are going to walk into a bar, my prediction was wrong and your wallet is gone.
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Vilante
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Re: Bloodninja

Post by Vilante »

Awesome, they're hilarious, the last one is epic :D
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DexterPunk
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Bloodninja

Post by DexterPunk »

wobblysauce wrote:Hasn't this been posted before on Arse last year and the year before that..
Did a search for 'bloodninja' and it came up empty.

Regardless, read my opening sentence.
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