The short joke topic!

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norbs
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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby norbs » Tue Dec 08, 2015 11:43 am

Bauer wrote: My mum told me that one last night.


After she gave me some viagra! :eyepop: :D
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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby ysu » Tue Dec 08, 2015 11:49 am

I liked it, too :)
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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby bengatta » Sun Jan 17, 2016 9:05 am

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."

Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'."
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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby Coopz » Wed Jan 20, 2016 6:29 pm

A group of bikers see a girl about to jump from a bridge.
Their leader gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," He also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give me your last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, The biker leader gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed
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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby durbster » Fri Jan 22, 2016 11:29 pm

My son has just started learning astronomy at school. At parents' evening the teacher said he was just taking up space.

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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby Muppet » Tue Jan 26, 2016 12:28 pm

Not a short joke, but if you haven't seen this, well you should. You'll never think of a bag of dicks the same way again.


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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby Muppet » Tue Jan 26, 2016 12:32 pm

I just realised I'm a joke. 10 years a member of this forum, 38 posts, that must be the worst ratio of any poster, ever lol

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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby r8response » Sun May 01, 2016 7:43 pm

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climbing up the fence to escape. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.

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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby Big Kev » Fri May 20, 2016 6:42 am

Why can’t dyslexics tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuckline.
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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby Big Kev » Wed Jul 20, 2016 12:19 am

I've been thinking about selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.


Imagine all the PayPal.......
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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby Bauer » Wed Jul 20, 2016 7:19 am

Haha. Nice Kev


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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby Big Kev » Tue Aug 23, 2016 6:16 pm

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe 2016

"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham
"Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell
"I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson
"Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith
"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan
"Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson
"I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney
"Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff
"Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes
"Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
"I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift
"Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith
"I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons
"Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol


Voters also got to select their most "groan-worthy" jokes of the festival.

They included Adam Hess' one-liner: "In France, J-Lo is called 'I have water'", and Darrren Walsh's gag: "What do you call three members of Abba in a French slaughterhouse? Abba trois."
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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby w00dsy » Tue Aug 23, 2016 8:45 pm

I dont get the J Lo one.

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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby durbster » Tue Aug 23, 2016 8:55 pm

Eau means water in French, so J'ai l'eau is "I have water".

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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby w00dsy » Tue Aug 23, 2016 10:29 pm

it's still lost on me because i know zero amounts of french :D But i get the translation.

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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby durbster » Tue Aug 23, 2016 11:29 pm

Le chien semble avoir faim.

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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby c.j » Thu Sep 08, 2016 9:14 am

Two Isis mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby,'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though," the mother confides.
"Oh, so sad, dear,'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily,
''He had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr, too,'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would have been 18," she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school.''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

"They blow up so fast these days, don't they?"
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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby Bauer » Thu Sep 08, 2016 9:36 am

Oh that's good :)


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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby durbster » Wed Sep 14, 2016 2:04 am

Conjunctivitis.com

Now there's a site for sore eyes.

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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby c.j » Wed Sep 14, 2016 11:45 am

haha ahhh shit Durbs. That got a giggle in room full of soldiers :yes:
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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby Big Kev » Fri Sep 23, 2016 5:21 am

I just fainted when I was in the curry house when I remembered R.E.M had split up.

That's me in the korma.
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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby durbster » Tue Sep 27, 2016 10:50 pm

I'm not really one for nostalgia. I mean, I used to be, but sadly those days are gone.

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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby Big Kev » Fri Jan 27, 2017 7:17 am

I've just found out I'm colour blind, that came as a bolt out of the green.
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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby Vilante » Fri Jan 27, 2017 10:56 am

Stolen lol!

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Re: The short joke topic!

Postby richo » Fri Jan 27, 2017 12:11 pm

I couldn't be bothered being apathetic.
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