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Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Mon Jan 30, 2017 5:59 pm
by durbster
Did you see that documentary about stroke victims?

It was a bit one-sided.





- Frankie Boyle

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2017 2:16 am
by Big Kev
@50NerdsofGrey

He was very careful during bondage sessions. He always used a safe word that contained upper and lower case letters and at least one number.

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Sat Jun 03, 2017 1:15 am
by Big Kev
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He finally decided to stick it out for another year!

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Sat Jun 03, 2017 11:27 pm
by Hazelb
Hear the one about the bloke who worked at the calendar factory... got sacked cause he took a day off

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 6:03 pm
by Big Kev
The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe 2017

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Wed Oct 11, 2017 8:18 am
by macca
During a lull over a recent dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.

"You know, I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday in June. That bird is so smart,Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realise that he just speaks the words, he doesn't really understand what they mean.”

"Oh, I know," replied Melania, "neither does the parrot."

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2017 7:12 am
by Big Kev
Image

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Tue Dec 19, 2017 7:25 pm
by Big Kev
What is Santa’s favourite pizza?

One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even.

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 5:42 am
by Big Kev
I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."

The woman giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Mon Aug 19, 2019 6:52 pm
by Big Kev
2019 Edinburgh Fringe best joke awards

winner - "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets". - Olaf Falafel

runners up (which I think are better! :) )
"Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott
"What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones
"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert
"A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith
"Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith
"I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff
"After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford
"To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons
"I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Tue Aug 20, 2019 5:05 pm
by KNAPPO
My son told me two that I couldn't help but laugh at.


Where do you find a dog with no legs.
Where you last left it.

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Tue Aug 20, 2019 5:06 pm
by KNAPPO
Knock knock

Who's there?

I need a p

I need a p who?

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Fri Oct 04, 2019 5:47 am
by Big Kev
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the side?

So when they're entering the harbour they can scan de Navy in

:D

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Fri Feb 21, 2020 2:13 pm
by Duke
An oldie but a goodie all the same...
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 years experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint .. and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, than while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.
It’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Sat Feb 29, 2020 5:35 am
by Big Kev
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk in to a blood bank.

The rabbit says, I think I might be a type o

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2020 4:45 pm
by Bauer
Big Kev wrote:A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk in to a blood bank.

The rabbit says, I think I might be a type o
Haha that’s good


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Fri Mar 13, 2020 1:14 pm
by DarrenM
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth the other day. I was speaking with an axe scent the whole day.

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Fri Aug 07, 2020 5:34 am
by Big Kev
Sad news....

The man who invented the word search has died, his funeral...

T T I S P V G K M P
H J G U O N Q U X
N M O N D A Y S Z
B A T K T E N O P G

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2020 11:43 pm
by Big Kev
After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after 1 minor indiscretion. He slept with 1 of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet..

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Wed Mar 31, 2021 7:43 pm
by DarrenM
I can't take my dog to the park. The ducks keep biting him.

I should have known I guess. He's pure bred.

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Tue May 11, 2021 11:35 pm
by Big Kev
Can everyone who is here for the yodelling lessons please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Wed May 12, 2021 10:54 am
by smithcorp
I want to thank Kev and Darren for keeping this thread alive - love to see it!

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Fri May 14, 2021 2:22 pm
by DarrenM
I finally tried a kangaroo beer. You can definitely taste the hops!

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Sun May 30, 2021 10:05 pm
by Big Kev
My mate was telling me he failed his exam in Aboriginal music.

I said 'didja redo it?'

Re: The short joke topic!

Posted: Mon May 31, 2021 9:39 am
by smithcorp
I phoned a helpline the other day & all I got was a series of clicks.

Found out later that my call was recorded for training porpoises