Fresh from the inbox..
- Coopz
- King of the Wierd
- Posts: 3833
- Joined: Sat Dec 18, 2004 7:56 pm
- Location: Radalaide!
Fresh from the inbox..
> One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
> He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle
> of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to
> answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
>
> He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
> deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying
> they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
>
> As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
> her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said
> he could get the peanut out.
>
> The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two
> fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father
> blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
>
> The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
> insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to
> the
> kitchen for something to eat.
>
> Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so
> wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he
> grows older?"
>
> The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
> He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle
> of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to
> answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
>
> He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
> deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying
> they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
>
> As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
> her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said
> he could get the peanut out.
>
> The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two
> fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father
> blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
>
> The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
> insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to
> the
> kitchen for something to eat.
>
> Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so
> wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he
> grows older?"
>
> The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
norbs wrote:
Stop bullying him. You have more birthdays each year than he gets roots!
- Bauer
- Posts: 7259
- Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2004 9:00 pm
- Location: Tassie
- Contact:
- Big Kev
- Clean as a Whistle
- Posts: 15060
- Joined: Mon Dec 13, 2004 7:09 pm
- Location: Little Britain
- Contact:
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You fuck her again."
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You fuck her again."
ARSE Biscuits! Driftu Kingu!
My Flickr Stream
My Flickr Stream
- r8response
- Cry baby
- Posts: 8565
- Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2004 6:51 pm
- Location: Sunshine Coast, QLD
-
- Founder
- Posts: 1354
- Joined: Mon Jan 10, 2005 8:55 am
- Location: Southern Highlands
Big Kev, that's a corker
I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/zedmacca/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
http://www.flickr.com/photos/zedmacca/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
- Enforcer-J
- Posts: 6512
- Joined: Wed Oct 12, 2005 11:16 pm
- Location: right on your A.R.S.E.
-
- Spam King
- Posts: 5800
- Joined: Thu Aug 04, 2005 11:43 am
- Location: Brisvegas
Couple from me
As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.
When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's.
As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me."
The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast.
"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"
"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!"
There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed,
"There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!"
In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,
'See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."
Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.
"Oh, my God! Darling, this one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.
At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said,
"That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
And a semi funny one
A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says to the koala,
"Hey! what are you doing?"
The koala says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard,
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says - "Hey you!"
The koala looks down and says "Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
Another one
Actual answers from
Family Fortunes, ITV
1) Something a blind man might use? A Sword
2) A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the Capital of France? F
4) Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) What is Hitlers first name ? Heil
A famous Scotsman? Jock
9) Some famous brothers ? Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race ? The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath ? Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach ? A deckchair
14) A famous Royal ? Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with wings
16) A famous bridge ? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does ? Goes to the Toilet
Another Edit
A Sandwich walks into a pub. He strolls upto the counter where the barman says
"Sorry mate, we don't serve food here."
As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.
When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's.
As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me."
The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast.
"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"
"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!"
There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed,
"There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!"
In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,
'See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."
Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.
"Oh, my God! Darling, this one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.
At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said,
"That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
And a semi funny one
A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says to the koala,
"Hey! what are you doing?"
The koala says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard,
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says - "Hey you!"
The koala looks down and says "Faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
Another one
Actual answers from
Family Fortunes, ITV
1) Something a blind man might use? A Sword
2) A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the Capital of France? F
4) Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) What is Hitlers first name ? Heil
A famous Scotsman? Jock
9) Some famous brothers ? Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race ? The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath ? Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach ? A deckchair
14) A famous Royal ? Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with wings
16) A famous bridge ? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does ? Goes to the Toilet
Another Edit
A Sandwich walks into a pub. He strolls upto the counter where the barman says
"Sorry mate, we don't serve food here."
-
- Spam King
- Posts: 5800
- Joined: Thu Aug 04, 2005 11:43 am
- Location: Brisvegas
Wait, I started posting jokes to a mate, he has been hitting me up with some good ones, another classic, best one today imho
The Centrelink office...
A guy walks into the local Centrelink office, marches straight up to the
counter and says "You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You will have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You will be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The startingsalary is $200,000 a year."
The guy says, " You're bullsh*ttin me."
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
Another!
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend."
The Centrelink office...
A guy walks into the local Centrelink office, marches straight up to the
counter and says "You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You will have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You will be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The startingsalary is $200,000 a year."
The guy says, " You're bullsh*ttin me."
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
Another!
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend."
- Enforcer-J
- Posts: 6512
- Joined: Wed Oct 12, 2005 11:16 pm
- Location: right on your A.R.S.E.
-
- Spam King
- Posts: 5800
- Joined: Thu Aug 04, 2005 11:43 am
- Location: Brisvegas
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository. It's up to you."
And
A guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository. It's up to you."
And
A guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
- Coopz
- King of the Wierd
- Posts: 3833
- Joined: Sat Dec 18, 2004 7:56 pm
- Location: Radalaide!
-
- Yank with no wank
- Posts: 841
- Joined: Wed Aug 17, 2005 5:13 am
Jeebus. That one's lethal.nutty wrote:...A guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."