Bad Jokes

[Dan]

Thought I'd start a thread on bad jokes you hear after I heard some really bad jokes today at work...

Q. Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?

A. Fo drizzle


Q. Why does Snoop Dog carry bread crums?

A. Fo schnitzel

[Rots]

Here's many I remember being told as a young kid...

Q. How do you fit four elephant's in a Mini?

A. Two in the front and two in the back.

Q. How do you know if an elephant has been in your fridge?

A. One footprint in the butter.

Q. How do you know if two elephant's have been in your fridge?

A. Two footprints in the butter.

Q. How do you know if three elephant's have been in your fridge?

A. Three footprints in the butter.

Q. How do you know if four elephant's have been in your fridge?

A. A mini parked out the front.

Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

A. Because it died.

Why did the boy fall of his bike?

A. A dead koala hit him.

Many more, but that'll do for now... oh bugger it.

What's big, yellow and sits in a tree?

A. A bulldozer.

[Bauer]

Q. How do you fit four elephant's in a Mini?

A. Two in the front and two in the back.

Q. and how do you fit 11 astronauts into that same mini?

A. 2 in the front, 2 in the back and 7 in the ashtray

dates back to '86

[DexterPunk]

theres a dead koala series as well.... the version i heard was this.

Why did the koala fall out of the tree? It was dead
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the first one
Why did the third koala fall out of the tree? It thought it was the trendy thing to do

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no dick? No fucking idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes no dick and no legs? Still no fucking idea

What do you call a man with no arms of legs in the ocean? Bob
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse? Warren
What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen
What do you call a man in the bushes? Hertz.... errr Russle
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff

Why did the plane crash? The pilot was a loaf of bread
Why did the girl fall off the swing? She had no arms
Why did the boy fall off his bike? His dad threw a fridge at him
Whats blue and looks like a bucket? A blue bucket
Whats green and brown and if it fell out of a tree on top of you it would kill you? Pool table
Whats six foot long, green, and hangs in trees? Gorilla snot.
Whats pink and slippery (aside from a fleshlite)? A slipper
Whats brown and runny? Usain Bolt

(warning holocaust jokes)


Whats the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Phelps knows how to finish a race

Why did Hitler kill himself?? he got the gas bill

Actually i shouldn't joke about this stuff, my grandfather died in a concentration camp.
He fell off a guard tower.

[Rots]

The deer, plane and girl on the swing cracked me up. I'd forgotten the rest of the koala jokes, thanks! lol.

[Vilante]

Why couldn't the baby turn around in the hallway? It had a javeline through its head.

[DexterPunk]

Why couldn't the baby turn around in the hallway? It had a javeline through its head.

whats pink and silver?? baby with forks in its eyes.

[w00dsy]

what's black and white and filthy? Sister Mary Fuckface


what has 2 legs and bleeds? Half a dog

[doug99]

My daughter came up with the a couple of years ago

What is black, white, black, white, red, black, white, black ,white & stinks?

Two skunks fighting over a red ball.

[r8response]

A man walks into a bar. What does he say????













Ouch

[doug99]

A horse walks into a bar and the Bartender says 'Why the long face?'

To which the horse replies 'Cuz Im a horse dickhead!"

Bartender replies 'Fuck me - a talking horse!'

[limbo]

a bear walks into a bar and says "gimmee a .............................................................................................................................beer"
and the barman says "why the big pause?" and the bear says (looking at his hands) "dunno, always had 'em"

[limbo]

A dyslexic walks into a bra.........

[thornz]

Whats blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of a pool?

A baby with its floaties slashed.

[Santaria]

Q: What's worse than a baby in a bucket?
A: A baby in 10 buckets.

3 guys walk into a bar, you'd think the 3rd dumb arse would've seen it!

[Durrie]

What do you call a man nailed to a wall? Art.
What do you call a man lying under a car? Jack.
What do you call a man lying in front of a door? Matt.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

How do you know when your house has been burgled by a Kiwi? Your thongs are missing and your cat's been raped.

[DexterPunk]

Hahhaha lol'd at the first one

[Fandango]

What did one snowman say to the other?
"Do you smell carrots?"

Also... you'll need some patience for this one (and im sure its a repost but meh) but its worth it

There once was a little kid named Billy who loved clowns. I mean LOVED them. He had posters of them all over his wall and pictures of them everywhere. One day his parents took him to the Circus to see all of the clowns. He was so excited! He never saw one up close before! In the middle of the show, a tiny little car came out and out came 20 clowns! He was cheering so loud he couldn't speak for a couple minutes. Just then, the Leader of the Clowns took a microphone and asked for a volunteer. Billy raised his hand and shouted ''Me! Me!'' The clown looked around and said ''You!'' as he pointed at Billy. He was so happy!

Billy joined the clown on the floor. The clown looked down at him and asked, ''Are you the horse's nose?'' Billy said ''No...'' ''Are you the horse's ears?'' ''No...'' Then the clown got an evil look in his eye as he said ''Then you must be the horse's ass!'' The whole tent shook with laughter, and Billy cried his eyes out. He couldn't believe a clown made fun of him like that! He swore revenge!

Billy grew up, he went to college, got a job, got married, and had a few kids, but still never forgot what that clown did to him. One morning he saw an ad in the paper for the same circus, and decided to go. He knew the PERFECT insult to get him back! When he told his wife and kids he was going his kids asked if they could goto the circus with him. He calmly said ''No. Daddy has something he needs to do there.'' In the middle of the show, a little car came out and out came about 20 clowns. The crowd cheered, except for Billy. The Leader of the Clowns took a microphone. It was the same Clown! Billy was so excited that he could now get revenge!

The clown asked for a volunteer. Billy calmly raised his hand. The clown picked him! Billy joined the clown on the floor. The clown said ''Are you the horse's nose?'' Billy stayed calm and said ''No.'' The clown asked ''Are you the horse's ears?'' Billy replied ''No.'' Then the clown said ''Then you must be the horse's ass!'' Billy knew his time had come. As the crowd laughed and everyone cheered, his anger grew. Now was the time for revenge. He looked deep into the clown's eyes and said... ''Fuck you, Clown!'

[Coopz]

Similar variation on the clown joke:)

Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his
mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and
Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits
there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the
trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnnys favourites, the
clowns.

Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the
clowns comes up to him and says 'Little boy are you the front end of
an ass?'

'No,' replies little Johnny.
'Are you the rear end of an ass?'
'No,' replies little Johnny again.
'In that case,' says the clown, 'you must be no end of an ass.'

Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the
way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, 'Little
Johnny don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit,
backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to
the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.' At this news little
Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night.

The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of
lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set
off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and
Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit
down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze
artists, and then out come the clowns.

Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the
clowns comes up to him and says, 'Little boy are you the front end of
an ass?'

Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat
and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice:

'Fuck off you Red nosed c**t!'

[wobblysauce]

classic

[DexterPunk]

The cops came to my house earlier, claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said "Piss off, my dog doesn't have a bike!".

[Bauer]

The cops came to my house earlier, claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said "Piss off, my dog doesn't have a bike!".

Did you think of that while you were having a shit on your iPhone?

[DexterPunk]

Yes, yes I did.

[doug99]

What do you get if you cross a super car with a blcked nose?

A Lambogreenie

[thornz]

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.