------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy meets his friend Mick and notices that Mick has got new gloves with L and R on them, begorrah says Paddy they are useful but not as good as my wifes knickers, whys that says Mick, Paddy says "Instead of L and R they have got C & A on them"
Father Mick has been a parish priest in the same town for years, his bishop pops in to see him and says Mick you havent had a holiday for 30 years take time off, Paddy says but who will look after the parish, Bishops says, I have a new priest straight out of college, show him the ropes and go away. Sure enough , so Saturday morning Father Paddy arrives, Mick says, have you heard confessions before, Paddy says no, dead easy says Mick, all the sins I have heard are on the blackboard in the confession box with the penalties beside each one, sounds easy says Mick.
1st bloke comes in, says Father forgive me but I have stolen money, Paddy looks up and down the blackboard, finds S and gives him 3 Hair Marys, next bloke comes in, says says Father forgive me but I have been knocking off Mary Gillespie, Mick says, shes a Protestant, thats not too bad, take 2 Hair Marys, go away, your sins are forgiven. 3rd Bloke comes in, says says Father forgive me but I have been w*****g, Paddy looks up and down and cant find anything that begins with W, so he looks outside, sees and altar boy and asks him what he gets for w*****g, the altar boy says, the bishop usually gives me a box of chocolates and an orange Father.
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Bloke has been shipwrecked for 19 years, goes down the beach each day and stares out to sea, one day he is astonished to see a cruise liner and to his amazement, it is lowering a lifeboat, as the lifeboat gets closer, he sees there is a blonde in full frogmans outfit getting closer. She lands on the beach and he greets her, she says, when did you last eat, he replies 19 years ago, she takes her hand to her left breast zip and removes a 4 course meal, she then asks when did you last have alcohol, he replies 19 years ago, she takes her hand to her right breast zip and removes a magnum of champagne, he stuffs his face with the meal and drinks the champagne, she then seductively puts her hands down tho the zips on her crotch and says, when was the last time you played around, Gobsmacked the man says, my god woman, you havent got a set of golf clubs in there !
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Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"
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Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!
I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"
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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"
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Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U..S. prison service for not
servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"
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Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like
mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
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Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name ?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London!"
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This morning I heard a story on the radio of a woman who was out Christmas shopping with her two children; after many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable, and after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids.
She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year - overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, get that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, make sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card.
Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car. She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and all the bags of stuff. When the doors closed she couldn't take it anymore and stated, "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up and shot."
From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet, calm voice respond,
"Don't worry.
We already crucified him."
For the rest of the trip down the elevator it was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. Don't forget this year to keep the One who started this whole Christmas thing in your every thought, deed, purchase, and word. If we all did it, just think of how different this whole world would be.
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It’s just a small, white envelope stuck among the branches of our Christmas tree. No name, no identification, no inscription. It has peeked through the branches of our tree for the past 10 years or so. It all began because my husband Mike hated Christmas-oh, not the true meaning of Christmas, but the commercial aspects of it-overspending, the frantic running around at the last minute to get a tie for Uncle Harry and the dusting powder for Grandma-the gifts given in desperation because you couldn’t think of anything else.
Knowing he felt this way, I decided one year to bypass the usual shirts, sweaters, ties and so forth. I reached for something special just for Mike. The inspiration came in an unusual way.
Our son Kevin, who was 12 that year, was wrestling at the junior level at the school he attended; and shortly before Christmas, there was a non-league match against a team sponsored by an inner-city church, mostly black. These youngsters, dressed in sneakers so ragged that shoestrings seemed to be the only thing holding them together, presented a sharp contrast to our boys in their spiffy blue and gold uniforms and sparkling new wrestling shoes. As the match began, I was alarmed to see that the other team was wrestling without headgear, a kind of light helmet designed to protect a wrestler’s ears. It was a luxury the ragtag team obviously could not afford. Well, we ended up walloping them. We took every weight class. And as each of their boys got up from the mat, he swaggered around in his tatters with false bravado, a kind of street pride that couldn’t acknowledge defeat. Mike, seated beside me, shook his head sadly, “I wish just one of them could have won,” he said. “They have a lot of potential, but losing like this could take the heart right out of them.”
Mike loved kids-all kids-and he knew them, having coached little league football, baseball and lacrosse. That’s when the idea for his present came. That afternoon, I went to a local sporting goods store and bought an assortment of wrestling headgear and shoes and sent them anonymously to the inner-city church. On Christmas Eve, I placed the envelope on the tree, the note inside telling Mike what I had done and that this was his gift from me. His smile was the brightest thing about Christmas that year and in succeeding years. For each Christmas, I followed the tradition-one year sending a group of mentally handicapped youngsters to a hockey game, another year a check to a pair of elderly brothers whose home had burned to the ground the week before Christmas, and on and on. The envelope became the highlight of our Christmas. It was always the last thing opened on Christmas morning and our children, ignoring their new toys, would stand with wide-eyed anticipation as their dad lifted the envelope from the tree to reveal its contents.
As the children grew, the toys gave way to more practical presents, but the envelope never lost its allure. The story doesn't end there. You see, we lost Mike last year due to dreaded cancer. When Christmas rolled around, I was still so wrapped in grief that I barely got the tree up. But Christmas Eve found me placing an envelope on the tree, and in the morning, it was joined by three more. Each of our children, unbeknownst to the others, had placed an envelope on the tree for their dad. The tradition has grown and someday will expand even further with our grandchildren standing around the tree with wide-eyed anticipation watching as their fathers take down the envelope. Mike’s spirit, like the Christmas spirit, will always be with us.
May we all remember the Christmas spirit this year and always.
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I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.
They asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them,
but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
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Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her
tummy and say "congratulations"
but none of them rub your d**k and say "well done"?
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything.
I met a bloke with no legs this morning
while at the bus stop and all I asked was
"How are you getting on?"
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My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw.
It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking
on the patio.
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Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to
spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its b*ll**ks
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They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.
After 8 pints I talk sh1t and can't drive!
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Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a rucksack?
The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.
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Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Pron channel in my
room disabled?"
"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick b******d.!
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A mate of mine has just told me he's sha**ing his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a
moustache!"
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A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.
"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bas**** and Marge is a skinny bird with
big blue hair."
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If Tommy Cooper were alive today :
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood?' I said, 'Where is he then?'
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you
paid me.'
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener
to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard..'
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper He said, 'I want you to trace someone
for me..'
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything'
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened... I said 'I careered off the road'
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was
charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are
you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it
back tomorrow'
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
JUST LIKE THAT
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A burgler broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around,
looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin,
clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more ,
after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he
could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room,
his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,
'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh?
Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.'
Jesus
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his f*cking forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric, the little b'stard
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Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
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Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
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Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
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Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
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Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
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Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
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Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
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Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.
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Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
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Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
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Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
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Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
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Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
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Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A: 45 pounds.
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Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A: 45 minutes.
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Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
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Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
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Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
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On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
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A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife
'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
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A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mum on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The parents’ stop and his mum quickly dismount, pulling the covers around her. “What were you and dad doing?” the boy asked his mum.
“Well, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it,” she explains.
“You’re wasting your time,” says the boy.
“When you go shopping the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it right back up.”
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Two Woodpeckers...
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat...
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
A priest was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was 'No!'
By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and
loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered 'No!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year old boy shouted,
"Yuv goat tae be f***n' deid"
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oh and I think I have found all of the star-wars face book comments and am going to post them in one spot
