anyone ever lost the plot?

[w00dsy]

I don't normally post serious threads but i will for a change. I apologize for the lenghty read. Last week i kinda went off the rails a bit, mentally i mean. I guess you'd call it a breakdown. I think it was a combination of things that lead to it, a lot of stress from work and also some from home, in regards to never really having time off to unwind and it all just caught up with me and stopped me in my tracks for about a week. I'll set the scene.

I'd been sick for a few days around 2 weeks ago, just feeling run down like i had the flu or something. But i'd gone back to work around Tuesday last week. Then on the wednesday close to lunchtime i felt this weird feeling of uneasiness, sort of a combination of agitation, frustration and confusion starting to wash over me. I was working with some potent glue at the time and thought it was the effects of that, but the feelings got stronger and i knew something wasn't right. The feeling of confusion really started to dominate and i had to stop work and sit there with my head in my hands wondering what the hell was going on. I felt like i was starting to unravel. The best way i can describe it is it was like a wave had washed over me and was drowning me and my thoughts, like i'd be running from the wave for years and it finally got me and there was nothing i could do to fight it. Adult life can be kinda stressful, and as a father, husband, bread winner etc there's probably a bit more responsibility than we all expect but it was like everything i had been trying to deal with in regards to my whole life finally got me and king hit me, stopping me in my tracks. I was really feeling uneasy so i wandered out to my car to try and make sense of what was happening, and i opened the back of my van and climbed in amongst all the tools and shit, and then shut the door on the world. I sat there for about 30mins trying to talk myself out of it, but it didn't work. I kept telling myself i can't fall apart, i have to work and earn money and get jobs done and i just don't have the option of stopping. It kept going through my head like it was on repeat 'it's not an option, it's not an option, it's not an option, it's not an option'. I ended up trying to go back inside and keep working but i got about 5m before i had to sit on my workmate Tonys trailer and i just went numb and couldn't move. I must have sat there, just looking out at nothing and not moving for about 15mins before Tony came and found me and asked if i was ok. I couldn't even open my mouth to say no, i just kinda sat there with a confused look on my face. We did speak for a few mins, i think i managed to get across that i wasn't ok and that things seemed to have caught up with me but it's all a bit hazy. I felt like a shell of the person i was, like i had nothing inside me. Tony said he'd been through something similar about 3 years ago and told me to go home, fuck work he'd take care of it and go home and try and sort myself out. So home i went.

I can't recall driving home but i got there, and i can't remember what i did for about 3hrs until my wife finished work and i rang her to tell her i wasn't feeling good. It was at this point that i really fell apart, i was walking around the house on the phone in my jocks and socks, holding my shirt in my hand, no idea why but i was. And i just started crying my guts out down the phone saying over and over 'i don't know what to do, i don't know what to do'. Luckily she was terrific and managed to calm me down until she got home. But the weird thing is i couldn't talk properly, it was like my head was completely full, but it had nothing in it. I knew what i wanted to say but i couldn't find the words to say it, and i just sat there going 'ah...um....mmm'. And i felt really sore and stiff. I really felt like my whole body had just shut down. After crying to my wife on the phone i had almost no emotion and hardly spoke for about 4 days. But the odd thing is i had no trouble communicating online with the keyboard, the words flowed out then. I spoke to my wife about going to the doctor but figured he'd probably just try and give me some sort of medicine that would cover the issue rather than fix it, and i have had some weird reactions to some medicines, it's either way too strong or it doesn't work at all, so we'd just try some more natural things. I just tried to busy myself with routine and if i saw a job around the house i'd just shuffle off and try and do it, but everything i did required way more concentration than normal. I started slowly getting better over the weekend and decided i'd go back to work on monday. I felt great by sunday and was in a really good mood.

So monday roles around and i woke up in a mad panic, i had to go to work and i was freaking out big time. I'd never had an anxiety attack before but i was having one quite badly, the wife kept assuring me i'd be ok but i knew i wouldn't. It was like i had to go and face execution, i was seriously freaking out. I was worried everybody would know i'd had a bit of a breakdown last week and would look at me weird or judge me. I'm not normally the sort of person that worries what other people think so paranoia was a weird new feeling for me. I came up with a crafty plan, i'd drive off to work to please the wife but never actually go there. I'd go sit at the beach and read the paper or do something, anything but actually go to work. I sent a text to Tony saying i was having a panic attack and would maybe try and come to work the next day. He was cool and said no worries. But about an hour later he said there was no one on the job site and it was a good day to try and come back. No pressure. Then the wife rang on the way home from dropping the kids off and i knew i'd have to be honest with her and say i never went to work. So i answered it and confessed i went past work but couldn't actually drive in there, and luckily she understood, and actually had a feeling i'd do that. I told her Tony said no one was there and that i was thinking of going there and seeing if i could walk in. So i headed off for the job, and got more and more nervous the whole way there. I figured once i was inside the building i'd be ok, and i'd be able to just get to work and start feeling better. But it was the exact opposite, i walked in there and started having weird dizzy spells and suddenly had trouble speaking again. This was the same job where i'd had my meltdown and it had triggered me and it was all coming back and i was freaking out again. I had a quick word with Tony about how i was feeling really weird and said i had to go, i couldn't handle being in that place for a second longer than i had too. So i went home, spoke to the wife and we agreed it was time to go see the Doc.

It was maybe 2 hrs later that i saw the doctor and i'd calmed down a bit but he told me some valium might help ease the anxiety and told me to have a few more days off to try and unwind, that 2 days plus the weekend probably wasn't enough. So i had a valium and within half an hour i felt sooooo relaxed and calm about the world it was fucking fantastic. Obviously THAT medicine agreed with me beautifully. I was totally chilled out for the rest of the day, like the weight of the world had finally been lifted. I hadn't felt like this since i was a kid, it was a really carefree feeling with no worries, I felt normal and lucid, but no worries or stress at all.

And after that i was back to normal. It was like i'd hit the reset button and the next day i woke up and was keen to get back to work and actually looking forward to it. And i've been back at work now since then with no problems at all and enjoyed every second of it. All after a single valium pill. I guess i'm pretty lucky that i got better quite quickly, i've seen plenty of people fall a lot harder than i did and for a lot longer. I'm a fairly open book and i've had no issues at all with people knowing that i wasn't too good mentally for nearly a week, i'm not ashamed of being sick even if it is in the mind. I've spoken to a few guys at work and people around me about it and the thing that has amazed me is how many guys have had similar things happen. Which is kind of my reason for posting this, guys don't talk about their shit that's going on enough. And a lot are like me, they bury it until one day it all comes out in a bad way. My wife and i have managed to sort some stuff out, like trying to work in some days off for me on a regular basis and maybe even a week off here and there during the year. I've only had 3 weeks off in 10 years and they were spent at amusement parks in qld, which is not really relaxing. So i'm going to try and find some time to unwind to stop this from happening again.

I consider myself pretty lucky that i have a few people to talk to, my wife who was brilliant, my work mate Tony who also went above and beyond, and our favorite cranky carnt Norbs who i've spent many an hour on the phone to in the last 10 years off loading some of lifes crap. I didn't really speak to him this time though because i couldn't really talk much, even though we did have a chat on messenger. There's no shame in unloading things are are troubling you with your mates, if one of your mates pays out on you for being a bitch then fuck em they aren't your real friend. Go find a mate who understands and get it off your chest. It's not healthy to keep it all inside so get it out and talk it over with someone, anyone, that will listen. The one thing i realised out of all this, is that i wasn't alone in dealing with this sort of stuff. So if things are getting a bit heavy then get it out however you can. You're not alone either.

[EzyRider]

Went through a very similar thing about a month back. No explanation for what or why, but I'd just burst into tears over watching something as stupid as the "Lab Tested" toilet paper advert on telly.
Lost all motivation, didn't want to interact with anyone on a social basis what so ever, so much so that I would not answer the phone if a friend tried calling me.

Can't say I'm back to 100% yet, but I'm 300% on where I was mid January. Never went to the docs, never saw "professional" help, even at the insistence of my mother, who I spent nearly 2 hours on the phone to at the height of it all, crying like a baby over things I would barely have batted an eyelid to 12 months ago.

Sometimes the pressure of raising a family, keeping a roof over their heads, being "the man" can take it's toll, and from out of the blue. The old grey matter finally states it needs a holiday, and exits stage left without warning, leaving you feeling lost and alone, and feeling like you have no one you can talk to that might even have an idea of what you're going through.

Men suffer from depression and anxiety more often than is noted, and very little is said about it in public, as though it were shameful. My personal escape came from pulling back into myself, spending a night with a bottle of bourbon to myself, watching something on youtube that would MAKE me cry, then work out afterwards exactly what it was that produced it.

You're not alone dude, I know of several people on here that have gone through similar things, although in their own way. Thanks for voicing yours, it makes me realise that I'm not alone, and I can voice my feelings a little better to those that are close to me.

Owe you one big fella.

[Bauer]

Great post mate. Glad you are ok

[Virtual-R]

Both you guys basically know what's happened with me in the past, but just for the record I've been in 100% the same situation before. Takes a little bit of readjusting to get a handle over it again but it does get better, just need to not focus on the bad things you are experiencing at the time and realise you need to take it easy for a little while. Drop the responsibilities, let work know your taking a few days off, let whoever your living with know what's happening and take a bit of time to yourself whenever you get an opportunity.

Definitely suggest seeing a doctor if after a few days things don't seem to be getting better, stuff like valium are good for the short term and can bring you out of it in some cases, but you don't want to be taking them for longer than a week in any case.

If seeing a doctor though, it's always best to mention your stress is completely out of control rather than saying something like your going insane, as the latter can easily be confused for something completely wrong and an over reaction can occur from some doctors.

The symptoms of extreme stress usually manifest as two things, they are known in medical terms as derealisation and depersonalisation. You can have one type or both at once and it does feel at the time like you've gone completely insane, but in reality you just have too much stress. It's the brains way of dealing with it until you can get a handle on things and drop some of that stress off.

Hope this info is of benefit to some people, it's something I don't usually bring up because unless you've experienced it, it's very hard for people to understand. But if anyone does ever find themselves in a similar way in future, just remember most times it can be controlled and 99% of the time your not going insane, it can seem that way but stress is a funny thing, when it reaches it's peak it can be quite scary and extreme, but if your prepared and have a little bit of knowledge beforehand it can make your life a lot easier and speed recovery up immensely.

If I had known to do all of the above it would have saved me a long time in recovery, but we all live and learn.

Just for the record too, the "99% of the time your not going insane" is actually statistically accurate, not made up or an exaggeration. So although the experience does feel quite extreme, most times there's no need to over react. A quick google search on derealisation or depersonalisation will reveal a bit of an insight into the symptoms of extreme stress.

[Dr. Pain]

Yup. Middle of last year. I felt like everything was going to shit because of ligament trouble in my foot which was an issue for the past 15 months at that time, takes two years to fully recover and no job because I couldn't do it and I lost some contact with a girl I really liked. Felt like I was falling a part. I talked to my friends and the girl and they were great. I guess it happens to everyone. Music helped me a lot too. If I wasn't playing my guitars I was listening to it. I did go see a doctor about it and I realised by talking to people that it happens to almost everyone at some point. I do agree that getting it off your chest is the best thing. I find that I worry less now too.

[Exar Kun]

Far out dude - great post and glad you're OK now. Physically I've felt similar to that during my recovery at times but, whilst I won't necessarily say things were harder or easier for me, things were certainly a little different as it was obvious to everyone (even myself) as to why I felt the way I did and my support network was very close around me at the time too.

Taking holidays and getting away are very important. You really need that time to forget about everything - just chilling at home for a week with no concerns can be enough to settle things down a bit.

[Cutter]

Shitty situation / Great post.
After a few discussions with mates of a similar age, I reckon a lot of men go through stuff like this.
For mine it was about 6 months of feeling anxious and jumpy every other days or so. I still have no idea why.
I was stressed, but no more than usual, but I'd given up smoking, plenty of work, lots of money coming in, healthy family, happy relationship,
But I was edgy, jumpy and doubted myself. Very of out of my comfort zone, and felt anxious about being anxious etc etc.
I spoke to a few friends and found a book about confronting fear / anxiety.
Basically it was about recognising the feeling, confronting it, looking around for triggers, realising it was a false response and changing how you react to a situation.
It took a few months to get it to a point where I wasn't confronted or worried by this happening and after a while it was easy to recognise and respond positively.

Now a few years later, its not an issue, and talking to a few blokes most had stories sort of the same, some lasted a few weeks, some a few months.
Some spoke to doctors, some medicated, some took up counseling for a bit, a few joined the mens sheds things.
I think its a real situation most blokes go through. But its a lot better out the other side.

[smithcorp]

Glad to hear you're feeling better Woodsy. Keep on top of it though - maybe the old mens' brains need a reboot from time to time (I've experienced delayed stress reactions that cause strange uncontrollable emotions), but i think something you've described requires you to take a good look at your life and try to work out what might have caused it, with some professional help. There's always a temptation for blokes to sweep things back under the rug (and you're unusual in that you are comfortable talking about), but because its so debilitating (and probably scary for your family), you should keep talking about it!

smith

[norbs]

I have sent him the Oprah box set. That's a set of DVDs, not Oprahs box set in plaster. He can grab Dr Phil from Torrent Airways.

If the fucker isn't going to talk to me on the phone, hopefully the trumped up tart with a gob full of teeth can get him through the hard times. I bet she wont give him a "Dat look like yooo" like I can.

[Jamo]

Fark well it's a Friday and of course I've just got back from my liquid lunch. A bit of a heavy read so I just got a paragraph or so in. Those of you who know me will probably know my opnion on shit like this so I won't say anything.

What I will say is that Rod you're a fine bloke and whatever is bothering you I'm sure you'll get over it, from what I can remember you've got a fnatiastic missus and great kids and also top matres including ole NOrbsy here. Who in the best Aussie tradtion can clearly take the piss even at the worst of times.

Chin up mate

[w00dsy]

I'll expect a spoonful of concrete in the mail any day now Jamo.

[norbs]

I'll expect a spoonful of concrete in the mail any day now Jamo.

As well as a half smoked Cuban, some fine exotic vodka and the panties of an Icelandic nymph. Its a Jamo care package right there.

[Jamo]

Now that I can do... Though if your specific on the Icelandic part there may be a small delay?

[Scottie]

wow, I must admit, hearing about all this happening to so many people, it's effect on them and the difficulty is all a bit daunting to me. I haven't experienced anything like it so I'm taking it all in so I might have a chance to get through it to if it happens to me. I have a crystal ball to look to in ARSE!

So happy you're coming out of it OK woodsy! It sounds extremely scary and depressing they way it hit you What would I do without a mate to catch up with at the races!

I hope everything continues to go well! Anything that knocks us down makes us come back stronger!

[vipergod]

Would you believe Its been 10 years since i went to the wall (Jason knows all about it)
ARSE actually helped get on with it. Racing GPL and having fun, meeting some top blokes Even got a story published in a book wich is now in all hospitals etc and given to men who had same issues that i did
M8 even to this day i tear up for no reason and get panic attacks it sucks but i fight through it
''YOU MUST HAVE HOLIDAYS'' NO IFS OR BUTS'' oh did i say ''YOU MUST HAVE HOLIDAYS''
Talking about stuff like this is NOT a weakness more people than you know suffer that's y we have such a high sucide rate (yes i will say that nasty prick of a word)(no i did not think about doing it)
Just talk it out, know that there is something wrong NEVER EVER feel ashamed
Well done for posting this Jason

[Johnny X]

''YOU MUST HAVE HOLIDAYS'' NO IFS OR BUTS'' oh did i say ''YOU MUST HAVE HOLIDAYS''

I can't echo this statement loudly enough. I went through a sticky patch betwen working at the paper mill and changing over to my last job. I'd worked for nigh on 20 years without a decent break and through my fathers death and it finally got to me around 10 years ago. I thought life was supposed to start at 40 but that was when the mid-life crisis struck... and I don't have a wife and kids to support. I still find myself getting a little emotional at little things occasionally but at the end of the day there's nothing wrong with it.

Good to know that you are feeling better about things and that you have what looks like a good support system around you with your family, good workmates and a few good Arses as well.

Take it easy Jason... all the best

[durbster]

I've read every word but I don't really feel qualified to post on this since I haven't been through anything like it, but I feel like I should put something

All I can say is that you were a great mate to me and the missus for the entire time we were in Australia, from taking us out on proper Aussie trips, to putting us up at your place and even down to the phone calls every few weeks where we'd talk nonsense for an hour. It all meant a lot, so it bothers me to hear about this.

I'm in no position to dish out advice but I would echo Johnny's echo of vipergod's comment (if you follow) - having time to sit back and reflect is so unbelievably important, and not just from work. I had a two year break during which I was so poor I had to live on cheese spread sandwiches, I took a string of shitty jobs working long hours for terrible pay, I lived in a tent and had to watch the entire F1 season on a 3.5 inch black and white telly, usually with terrible reception. I have never been happier

Actually that reminds me of something a mate of mine has started doing which has done wonders for him. Essentially he's started to get rid of a lot of the crap he's acquired over the years. He used to buy loads of clothes, gadgets, DVDs, music etc. but recently he's come to realise that buying "stuff" wasn't making him any happier, so he's spent the last year selling anything he doesn't use regularly on Ebay.

Aside from earning £hundreds free money, he says it's made him feel much better about life. It was as if everything he bought was just another 'thing' sitting in his mind and it had begun to swamp him. I don't want to come over all hippy-like but the simple fact is that he's much happier now, as he's able to just concentrate on the things that really matter to him. For example, instead of buying new clothes every week, he saved up and bought a snowboard.

[w00dsy]

there was a fair bit of hesitation before i hit the submit button in the original post, and i'm glad i did now. My initial intent was to let it be known it happened and that there was no shame in it happening because of the few blokes i had mentioned it too who had gone through similar things. It's become apparent that it's a much more widespread situation than i previously thought. And not just guys that have posted here either, i've had a few people contact me privately who have been in a similar position and had some words of advice or were just offering some support, and to those guys and you guys here i give a big It seems it's a much more common thing for women to discuss lifes stresses with each other than men do, which is slightly disheartening but understandable given guys don't usually like to talk about 'feelings'. We just hold it in and then get pissed and punch things and chop down trees to relieve stress.

It was as if everything he bought was just another 'thing' sitting in his mind and it had begun to swamp him.

that actually makes a lot of sense to me. I get like that.

[Dr. Pain]

When I talked to a friend she didn't mind me getting things off my chest as she said she has a girlfriend that always calls her or goes to see her when she's down. I didn't want to burden her with my troubles but glad I told her. She is great

[J.D.]

Great post Woodsy. Glad to hear you are feeling better.

Nothing like that had ever happened to me before until last year I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I never had the symptoms you had but I remember quite clearly what it was like. Because of what I do, I haven't been able to tell many people about it. I'd probably get pensioned off and it would definitely go on my work record. Fact is, like the emergency services, we see a lot of bad shit and there's a pretty high incidence of PTSD though nobody talks about it.

I was not sleeping properly at all: less than 5 hours a night. Some can survive on that but nobody can do it year in, year out. I found myself shaking inexplicably at strange times during the day. I was withdrawn and my usual comedic nature (which nobody here really gets to see) was conspicuously absent. I just couldn't engage with people. Worst of all was the beginnings of paranoia. I knew I was getting it so I went straight to a doctor and got some help. I couldn't believe how quickly all this came on. One day I was okay, the next I was terrified.

I was diagnosed with severe stress, extremely severe depression and extremely severe anxiety. A psychologist referred to it as "the pre-clinical symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder". Medium term drug treatment was the only choice. That lasted six months and I'm feeling really good at the moment. I even went back to the gym and I'm losing weight. I'm not seeing anyone at the moment because I don't need help or drugs anymore. I have always preferred to do things my own way and when you get through a challenge like that, it builds your confidence for the next one.

PTSD is now classified as a brain injury. You can say "that part of the person's brain is injured and isn't functioning properly". It usually results from a single incident where you feel you are under threat of your life. I can only really remember one incident like that where I thought I might die. A lot of it was just from the bad shit we see at work and a lack of support structure or recognition. Where emergency workers get regular counselling, we generally don't. That's life in my industry and it's not just peculiar to one network; it's across the board.

The best thing you can do is find an alternative. You know what I mean: get a hobby or a sport. I'm desperately trying to go back to sailing but the thing which has fired me the most is photography. At the moment I'm actually working on a project which is similar in concept to what I went through. I'm still the same person and in some ways, I reckon I came out better for it but when the cure is worse than the disease you have to wonder what it was really worth.

[Woodee]

Interesting read, hope you are pulling through the other side Woodsy.

I can relate in some ways as I have been feeling odd for ages now. Irritable, the feeling of a bubble just about to burst, a tightly wound spring, getting emotional and not emotional things. Recently while mulling over my finances and moving home to find a cheaper place as I can't afford to live here anymore I came to the realisation that it was all getting to me. Felt numb with no motivation, scared of leaving my comfort zone but worried that if I didn't I wasn't going to cope. I have isolated myself somewhat and don't get out a lot.

Someone did suggest to me I see the docs for stress related reasons... not sure what I would tell them at the moment.

[Woodee]

I posted this from bed a couple of days ago

I dunno if any one gets this feeling ever so often. I feel restless, not knowing where to put myself and no motivation to tick anything off my to do list. Not sure whether I want to laugh or cry, just wanted to sleep to pass the time so the uneasy mood shifts itself. Could be that yet again with the pressure of moving house now that I have had it confirmed that indeed my landlord has reviewed my rent and wants to increase it. This scares me shitless because I know I won't be able to afford to live here anymore. I will have to take the first flat I can find which is in my price and distance range and just go for it! This will take the pressure off me! I don't want to move out of the town I am in right now, I like it here. It has it's bad points but I have got used to living in a place that has all I need. I know where everything is. This town has just got too expensive with not enough low cost housing as elsewhere. Well now laying in bed, taking some weight off from sitting upright and feeling uncomfortable. I hope this mood shifts soon... maybe the start of the speedway season will raise my spirits a bit? We'll see!

[bengatta]

It was as if everything he bought was just another 'thing' sitting in his mind and it had begun to swamp him.

that actually makes a lot of sense to me. I get like that.

Yes there are two schools of thought there...

"he with the most toys wins..."

or

"he with the most toys still dies..."

I used to be obsessed with winning, now I have ditched almost everything and have moved into a house that has a 2 car garage, with a small garden shed... I decided that rather than "have stuff", I'd change and simply "do stuff"...

our lives is not a dress rehearsals...

[norbs]

These days when everyone has to have the latest and greatest, it is little wonder some people get caught up in the "keeping up with the jones'" trap. That puts more pressure on earning money the buy all the stuff.

A lot of people think I am gadget obsessed, and yes I like my toys, but I by no means spend much money on them. I was the last one in my group of mates to get a LCD TV, and that was only because the old CRT one broke. I have found I get so much more pleasure out of a road trip as against gadgets. Bengatta has a point, doing stuff beats having stuff by a mile!

Rod needs a roadtrip.

[DexterPunk]

Roadtrips rule! I totally agree. I'm a bit gadget obsessed, I'm basically a big kid and still love my toys I think. But I completely agree regarding getting out and seeing new places and doing things. Makes me more happy than anything. Sometimes I just have to get the hell out of Melbourne for a while. I loved the pre 3G network days when outback Victoria gave you no phone reception. You simply switched it off for two weeks while you were gone. If someone wanted to reach you, well too bad. And it felt great to just be away from it all.

Woodsy, 3 weeks holidays in years is crazy. I know I need my down time away from work. We're actually lucky in Australia most of us get four weeks a year. Make use of em and take off and unwind. Even if it's only a couple of weeks a year, it makes all the difference to me.