The short joke topic!
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- Midget Wanker
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Re: The short joke topic!
As above, via email.
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
- Coopz
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Re: The short joke topic!
lol
norbs wrote:
Stop bullying him. You have more birthdays each year than he gets roots!
- Big Kev
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Re: The short joke topic!
So what if I can't spell armageddon.
It's not the end of the world!
It's not the end of the world!
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- Big Kev
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Re: The short joke topic!
I joined a wine club recently
We meet at 9 o'clock every morning in the park.
We meet at 9 o'clock every morning in the park.
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- wobblysauce
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Re: The short joke topic!
What is the temperature inside a tauntaun?
Some play it safe on the merry-go-round, others go for the thrills of the roller-coaster.
ᕙ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ᕗ vs ლ(ಠ益ಠ)ლ
I have a joke for you. I have a prediction that you are going to walk into a bar, my prediction was wrong and your wallet is gone.
ᕙ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ᕗ vs ლ(ಠ益ಠ)ლ
I have a joke for you. I have a prediction that you are going to walk into a bar, my prediction was wrong and your wallet is gone.
- Coopz
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Re: The short joke topic!
Terribad.
norbs wrote:
Stop bullying him. You have more birthdays each year than he gets roots!
- Big Kev
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Re: The short joke topic!
Who will take the second shot in this snooker game?
Find out after the break.
Find out after the break.
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- Horse
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Re: The short joke topic!
Big Kev wrote:Who will take the second shot in this snooker game?
Find out after the break.
- Johnny X
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Re: The short joke topic!
I shagged a Chinese bird in a lift the other night......
I know, I know.... it's fuckin Wong on so many levels
I know, I know.... it's fuckin Wong on so many levels
- bengatta
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Re: The short joke topic!
There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain
They say, any day you wake up not dead is the start of a better day than it could be...
You don't need a parachute to skydive, you only need a parachute to skydive twice...
You're never too old to learn something stupid....
You don't need a parachute to skydive, you only need a parachute to skydive twice...
You're never too old to learn something stupid....
- Big Kev
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Re: The short joke topic!
For years I thought my wife had tourettes.
Turns out she really does think I'm a fucking twat.
Turns out she really does think I'm a fucking twat.
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- norbs
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Re: The short joke topic!
bengatta wrote:There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain
Gold!
Sarc ; my second favourite type of gasm.
- matticooper
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Re: The short joke topic!
saw this on the FB this morning
roses are cars
violets are buckers
this poem makes no sense
boobs!
roses are cars
violets are buckers
this poem makes no sense
boobs!
- Vilante
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- r8response
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Re: The short joke topic!
So two old ladies are sitting at a bus stop in down town sydney, a man in a trench coat approaches and flashes them. One of the old ladies has a stroke, the other wasn't quick enough.
- KNAPPO
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Re: The short joke topic!
Two women sit quietly.
Life is hard...but, life is harder when you're dumb.
- Big Kev
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Re: The short joke topic!
I went to see Walt Disney On Ice!
Bit disappointing, it was just an old guy in a freezer.
Bit disappointing, it was just an old guy in a freezer.
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- Big Kev
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Re: The short joke topic!
A friend of mine drowned and I got him a wreath in the shape of a life belt.
Well...... it's what he would have wanted
Well...... it's what he would have wanted
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- Big Kev
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Re: The short joke topic!
Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes
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- Vilante
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Re: The short joke topic!
lmao! Thanks Kev
- w00dsy
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Re: The short joke topic!
when Mando says thanks, you know it's going to facebook as his newest favorite dad joke
- Big Kev
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Re: The short joke topic!
Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Grandads is?
Five year old granddaughter is usually taken to school, daily, by her grandfather.
When he had a bad cold his wife drove the grandchild to school.
That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!!
"What made it different?" asked her parents:
"We didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!'
Five year old granddaughter is usually taken to school, daily, by her grandfather.
When he had a bad cold his wife drove the grandchild to school.
That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!!
"What made it different?" asked her parents:
"We didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!'
ARSE Biscuits! Driftu Kingu!
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- Vilante
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Re: The short joke topic!
Preciselyw00dsy wrote:when Mando says thanks, you know it's going to facebook as his newest favorite dad joke
- Big Kev
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Re: The short joke topic!
Q: Which American rock band sends you endless e-mails about 'connecting' with people? A: LinkedIn Park
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- matticooper
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Re: The short joke topic!
I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone...
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me
The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands
One day a cannibal passed his brother in the woods (or The cannibal dumped his girlfriend)
Velcro, what a rip off
My family was so poor as a boy, if I hadn't been a boy, I wouldn't have had any toys to play with
My wife, shes carrying our first child…he’s 8, the lazy little fucker
2 Irishmen sat on the floor, one fell off
Don't make fun of people in wheelchairs, they can't stand up for themselves
Don't make fun of fat kids, they have enough on their plate
No point in making fun of midgets; it'd be way over their heads
I don't go to the gym, everything there is too heavy
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there
I think I have split personalities," said Steve, being frank.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me
The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands
One day a cannibal passed his brother in the woods (or The cannibal dumped his girlfriend)
Velcro, what a rip off
My family was so poor as a boy, if I hadn't been a boy, I wouldn't have had any toys to play with
My wife, shes carrying our first child…he’s 8, the lazy little fucker
2 Irishmen sat on the floor, one fell off
Don't make fun of people in wheelchairs, they can't stand up for themselves
Don't make fun of fat kids, they have enough on their plate
No point in making fun of midgets; it'd be way over their heads
I don't go to the gym, everything there is too heavy
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there
I think I have split personalities," said Steve, being frank.