The short joke topic!

[bengatta]

The wife left a note on the fridge.... "It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mums!!
"I opened the fridge, the light came on & the beer was cold...
Fuck knows what she was on about!!

[matticooper]

some for Vil:

1. My wife is looking thru the window with a nostalgic look. If it gets any colder I might let her in.

2. When did Sean Connery get to the Wimbledon Tournament? Tennish.

3. The dildo I bought my wife didn't come with instructions. I told her it was plug-n-play.

[Vilante]

You rock Matti!

[norbs]

Ripped from the Tour de france tracker tonight.

cunnilingus is like cryptography, many techniques, but in the end, you just have to resort to brute force?

[VTRacing]

Recycling an old joke:

Why is Adam Scott the greatest lover in the world? After three days on top he still comes second.

[matticooper]

lol VT. 4 bogeys in 4 holes... jeezus. Almost chokes as hard as Norman.

[w00dsy]

2 guys in a car get pulled over by a cop. Cop taps the window, window rolls down. "goodevening gentlemen, we're looking for 2 pedophiles."
Guy quickly closes the window. 10 seconds later he lowers it again and says: "Ok, we'll do it."

[matticooper]

Okay Vil... here's some more for ya:

What do you see when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A flat minor

What do you see when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major

If seagulls fly over the sea, what flies over the bay?
Bagels

Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?
He was looking for a tight seal

I have a really good construction joke... but I'm still working on it.

What's the difference between Batman, and a Black man
Batman can go to the store without Robin

[Vilante]

Wicked!! heheh

[bengatta]

How to start the day on a positive note.

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Julia Gillard".

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of Julia Gillard?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better already? Good!


Tomorrow we'll do Wayne Swan.

[DarrenM]

Then feel even better knowing there has never been a file named "Tony Abbott" on your PC. There's no telling what it'd do.

[Big Kev]

2012 Edinburgh Fringe jokes of the year

The top jokes were:

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "

3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."

6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."

10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

[Vilante]

I'm stealing all of those

[Exar Kun]

I love the last one.

[matticooper]

some Rodney Dangerfield quotes:

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

[Coopz]

Mick the builder's under a bare bulb in the police interrogation room.

"All right, you bastard, we've got you bang to rights," says the cop, "We know you've been killing hookers and burying them at your building sites. Tell us how many there are."

"Seventeen," says Mick.

So the cops go and dig up all Mick's sites and find twenty-five dead prostitutes.

"You lying piece of shit," says the cop, "We found twenty-five dead girls!"

"Aw, come on," says Mick, "it was only an estimate."

[matticooper]

alrighty Vil... some more for ya:

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Duh dum chh.

My doctor prescribed me some anti-gloating cream... Now all I want to do is rub it in.

"Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."
"I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was fucking Goofy!"

What is the similarity between tornadoes and divorces in Kentucky? ... either way, someone is losing a trailer.

I'm on a whiskey diet... I've lost three days already.

Whats blue and doesn't weigh much? Light Blue.

What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly something up your ass.

What do you call a cow with one udder? A bull.

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an Umbrella? Fo Drizzle

Why does Snoop Dogg cook bacon? Fo sizzle.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.

Why do chicken coops have 2 doors? Because if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan

[Vilante]

Awesome

[Santaria]

My fave from that thread:

There were two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge. One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on you." And then Fridge says "bllaaarrarararraraaarg".

Sent from my Galaxy Nexus

[VTRacing]

Nothing beats a beautiful girl with a great singing voice; except Chris Brown.












Edit: I realise both premises about the girl in question are debatable, but just go with it for the sake of the joke, ok..?

[durbster]

I said to my girlfriend, "you could enter Miss World" and she gave me a kiss.
Then I said to her, "I'd like to enter Miss World" and she gave me a slap

[pogo]

If life gives you melons, you might just be dyslexic.

[Coopz]

A Collingwood girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll
take that red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

[matticooper]

lol - the other variation I've heard is a thermos...

[Bauer]

My nephew fell asleep at a recent family party.
Not being one to miss an opportunity, I drew a big cock on his forehead and shaved his eyebrows off.
My sister went absolutely fucking mental when she looked in his cot!