The short joke topic!

[Big Kev]

The top 10 from this years Edinburgh Fringe


Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."
Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."
Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."
Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."
Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."
Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

[Bauer]

Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

taking that one to work with me tomorrow

[Vilante]

To Facebook!!!

[smithcorp]

Saw this on QI Elves: 'Machine. Unexpectedly I’d invented a time' - ALAN MOORE

[Johnny X]

Lauren tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the surgeon. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.
'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

[NeilPearson]

L O L

[Vilante]

haha

[Cutter]

These are "highbrow" scientific specific jokes. From the interweb

Too clever by half: 25 highbrow jokes

1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”

2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”

5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.

9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”

14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.

16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”

20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.

22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.

23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

[Cutter]

Edit:Repeat, bugger

[Durrie]

Are these quantum jokes? Can they be in two places at the same time?

[Bauer]

A toothless termite walks in to the pub and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

[Big Kev]

Knock knock
Who's there?
Grandad
Shit! Stop the funeral!

[Big Kev]

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?


Taste

[matticooper]

Found this on Reddit. No apologies for the repeats.... stuffs given = 0.

Why did God create woman? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Call her.
Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.
What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your [w]hole weak.
How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb? None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E? One's mad cow disease; the other's an agricultural problem.
Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tel-a-woman
Why do hunters make the best lovers? Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once, and they eat what they shoot.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it.
How are tornadoes and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? She knows she's given her last blow job.
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everyone at the party while a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 10 years the job still sucks.
What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist"? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
Why did the woman cross the road? What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?!
Why are there no female astronauts on the moon? 'cause it doesn't need cleaning yet.
How is a woman like a condom? Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick

[Big Kev]

Recently I've been diagnosed with attention defici....ooo look at that over there

[Bauer]

I was thinking this morning just how fucking considerate men are.

Why did God create woman? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

We invented the ensuite just to make her job easier

[durbster]

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They're not laughing now because it was ages ago.

[matticooper]

Went for my Health and Safety certificate today.
One of the questions was:
"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
"F***ing' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

[wobblysauce]

Steve wouldn’t have died if he were wearing sunscreen, it would have protected him from harmful rays.

His passing was tragic, but at least he died as he lived.
With animals in his heart.

[Dr. Pain]

An Irishman, a Kiwi and a South African walk into a bar...

Bar man looks up and says "Ahhh the English cricket team has arrived!"

[matticooper]

[Cutter]

Went to a disco last night.
They played the Twist, I did the Twist.
They played the Jump, I Jumped.
They played Come on Eileen....



I got thrown out for that one.

[Montey]

If I'm going out with a girl who develops a foot fetish and I don't like it, does that make me licktoes intolerant?

[w00dsy]

Went to a disco last night.
They played the Twist, I did the Twist.
They played the Jump, I Jumped.
They played Come on Eileen....



I got thrown out for that one.

we went and saw Jimmy Carr a few weeks back when he was in Melbourne and some people walked in about 5 mins late, right up the front and he gave them some stick for being late and their friends that were already seated yelled 'Come on Alison' and he shot back with 'i'm not sure i could from here'. His jokes are great but his comebacks to hecklers are his real strong point. One that i remembered was 'i got into this business to be a fanny magnet but i never expected a c*nt like you'. He even opens the show up for about 10mins for people to yell out whatever they wanted. Some drunk knob near us yelled out 'i served the queen' and he said 'i didn't know she played tennis'.

[Big Kev]

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.