A.R.S.E.

just read a couple of golfing terms that tickled me when it probably shouldnt have:

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

Sometimes I use big words I don't always fully understand
in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldnt change colour?

He had a reptile dysfunction

I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain.

Somebody had ripped the appendix out.

For Sale: Braille Dictionary,
Must be seen to be appreciated

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Ha! ↑

Yeah, I like that one.

because it's international Beer day. . .

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”.
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

The current Australian cricket team.

Topical one from @mrchrisaddison

What would Donald Bradman think if he were alive?
Well, he'd think, "Why am I in this coffin?"

"So," said the judge, "this man is claiming that you shoved a monocle up his anus."

"I object."

"Yes, I know what a monocle is."

The top 10 funniest jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe 2015

"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh
"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis
"Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess
"What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham
"If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green
"Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson
"Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry
"The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane
"Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery
"They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child

The judges also released a list of jokes which just missed out on the shortlist.

"I never lie on my CV…because it creases it." - Jenny Collier
"If you don't know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself" - Ian Smith
"I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time" - Tom Ward
"Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't" - Gyles Brandreth
"Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'" - Ally Houston
"Earlier this year I saw "The Theory of Everything" - loved it. Should've been called "Look Who's Hawking", that's my only criticism" - James Acaster

I almost prefer the jokes that didn't quite make it. Jimmy Carr did a joke about divorcing his wife, she threw flour and water at him, she got the house and he got custody.

I watched Demetri Martins new show on Netflix the other day. I'd only ever seen him do small bits at comedy festivals before, but his show was full of one liners. My favorite one was 'there's a fine line between killing a fly and applauding it'.

For some reason the tapas one made me giggle.

I'll have to check out that Demetri Martin show, Woodsy. I watched one of his shows a few years ago which went a bit "self-help".

Another couple of Demetri's

Taste buds sounds like they get along great.

People call shotgun when riding in a car, but you should say it when you're about to sneeze while eating rice.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got his pocket picked. How could anyone stoop so low?

Stolen haha love it

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything – KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."

Viagra wont make you James Bond

But it will make you Roger Moore

Stay on topic please Bauer

Didnt like that one? My mum told me that one last night. I found it funny

Sent from my SM-N910G using Tapatalk

I loved it ha