I'd been sick for a few days around 2 weeks ago, just feeling run down like i had the flu or something. But i'd gone back to work around Tuesday last week. Then on the wednesday close to lunchtime i felt this weird feeling of uneasiness, sort of a combination of agitation, frustration and confusion starting to wash over me. I was working with some potent glue at the time and thought it was the effects of that, but the feelings got stronger and i knew something wasn't right. The feeling of confusion really started to dominate and i had to stop work and sit there with my head in my hands wondering what the hell was going on. I felt like i was starting to unravel. The best way i can describe it is it was like a wave had washed over me and was drowning me and my thoughts, like i'd be running from the wave for years and it finally got me and there was nothing i could do to fight it. Adult life can be kinda stressful, and as a father, husband, bread winner etc there's probably a bit more responsibility than we all expect but it was like everything i had been trying to deal with in regards to my whole life finally got me and king hit me, stopping me in my tracks. I was really feeling uneasy so i wandered out to my car to try and make sense of what was happening, and i opened the back of my van and climbed in amongst all the tools and shit, and then shut the door on the world. I sat there for about 30mins trying to talk myself out of it, but it didn't work. I kept telling myself i can't fall apart, i have to work and earn money and get jobs done and i just don't have the option of stopping. It kept going through my head like it was on repeat 'it's not an option, it's not an option, it's not an option, it's not an option'. I ended up trying to go back inside and keep working but i got about 5m before i had to sit on my workmate Tonys trailer and i just went numb and couldn't move. I must have sat there, just looking out at nothing and not moving for about 15mins before Tony came and found me and asked if i was ok. I couldn't even open my mouth to say no, i just kinda sat there with a confused look on my face. We did speak for a few mins, i think i managed to get across that i wasn't ok and that things seemed to have caught up with me but it's all a bit hazy. I felt like a shell of the person i was, like i had nothing inside me. Tony said he'd been through something similar about 3 years ago and told me to go home, fuck work he'd take care of it and go home and try and sort myself out. So home i went.
I can't recall driving home but i got there, and i can't remember what i did for about 3hrs until my wife finished work and i rang her to tell her i wasn't feeling good. It was at this point that i really fell apart, i was walking around the house on the phone in my jocks and socks, holding my shirt in my hand, no idea why but i was. And i just started crying my guts out down the phone saying over and over 'i don't know what to do, i don't know what to do'. Luckily she was terrific and managed to calm me down until she got home. But the weird thing is i couldn't talk properly, it was like my head was completely full, but it had nothing in it. I knew what i wanted to say but i couldn't find the words to say it, and i just sat there going 'ah...um....mmm'. And i felt really sore and stiff. I really felt like my whole body had just shut down. After crying to my wife on the phone i had almost no emotion and hardly spoke for about 4 days. But the odd thing is i had no trouble communicating online with the keyboard, the words flowed out then. I spoke to my wife about going to the doctor but figured he'd probably just try and give me some sort of medicine that would cover the issue rather than fix it, and i have had some weird reactions to some medicines, it's either way too strong or it doesn't work at all, so we'd just try some more natural things. I just tried to busy myself with routine and if i saw a job around the house i'd just shuffle off and try and do it, but everything i did required way more concentration than normal. I started slowly getting better over the weekend and decided i'd go back to work on monday. I felt great by sunday and was in a really good mood.
So monday roles around and i woke up in a mad panic, i had to go to work and i was freaking out big time. I'd never had an anxiety attack before but i was having one quite badly, the wife kept assuring me i'd be ok but i knew i wouldn't. It was like i had to go and face execution, i was seriously freaking out. I was worried everybody would know i'd had a bit of a breakdown last week and would look at me weird or judge me. I'm not normally the sort of person that worries what other people think so paranoia was a weird new feeling for me. I came up with a crafty plan, i'd drive off to work to please the wife but never actually go there. I'd go sit at the beach and read the paper or do something, anything but actually go to work. I sent a text to Tony saying i was having a panic attack and would maybe try and come to work the next day. He was cool and said no worries. But about an hour later he said there was no one on the job site and it was a good day to try and come back. No pressure. Then the wife rang on the way home from dropping the kids off and i knew i'd have to be honest with her and say i never went to work. So i answered it and confessed i went past work but couldn't actually drive in there, and luckily she understood, and actually had a feeling i'd do that. I told her Tony said no one was there and that i was thinking of going there and seeing if i could walk in. So i headed off for the job, and got more and more nervous the whole way there. I figured once i was inside the building i'd be ok, and i'd be able to just get to work and start feeling better. But it was the exact opposite, i walked in there and started having weird dizzy spells and suddenly had trouble speaking again. This was the same job where i'd had my meltdown and it had triggered me and it was all coming back and i was freaking out again. I had a quick word with Tony about how i was feeling really weird and said i had to go, i couldn't handle being in that place for a second longer than i had too. So i went home, spoke to the wife and we agreed it was time to go see the Doc.
It was maybe 2 hrs later that i saw the doctor and i'd calmed down a bit but he told me some valium might help ease the anxiety and told me to have a few more days off to try and unwind, that 2 days plus the weekend probably wasn't enough. So i had a valium and within half an hour i felt sooooo relaxed and calm about the world it was fucking fantastic. Obviously THAT medicine agreed with me beautifully. I was totally chilled out for the rest of the day, like the weight of the world had finally been lifted. I hadn't felt like this since i was a kid, it was a really carefree feeling with no worries, I felt normal and lucid, but no worries or stress at all.
And after that i was back to normal. It was like i'd hit the reset button and the next day i woke up and was keen to get back to work and actually looking forward to it. And i've been back at work now since then with no problems at all and enjoyed every second of it. All after a single valium pill. I guess i'm pretty lucky that i got better quite quickly, i've seen plenty of people fall a lot harder than i did and for a lot longer. I'm a fairly open book and i've had no issues at all with people knowing that i wasn't too good mentally for nearly a week, i'm not ashamed of being sick even if it is in the mind. I've spoken to a few guys at work and people around me about it and the thing that has amazed me is how many guys have had similar things happen. Which is kind of my reason for posting this, guys don't talk about their shit that's going on enough. And a lot are like me, they bury it until one day it all comes out in a bad way. My wife and i have managed to sort some stuff out, like trying to work in some days off for me on a regular basis and maybe even a week off here and there during the year. I've only had 3 weeks off in 10 years and they were spent at amusement parks in qld, which is not really relaxing. So i'm going to try and find some time to unwind to stop this from happening again.
I consider myself pretty lucky that i have a few people to talk to, my wife who was brilliant, my work mate Tony who also went above and beyond, and our favorite cranky carnt Norbs who i've spent many an hour on the phone to in the last 10 years off loading some of lifes crap. I didn't really speak to him this time though because i couldn't really talk much, even though we did have a chat on messenger. There's no shame in unloading things are are troubling you with your mates, if one of your mates pays out on you for being a bitch then fuck em they aren't your real friend. Go find a mate who understands and get it off your chest. It's not healthy to keep it all inside so get it out and talk it over with someone, anyone, that will listen. The one thing i realised out of all this, is that i wasn't alone in dealing with this sort of stuff. So if things are getting a bit heavy then get it out however you can. You're not alone either.
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