FERRARI
(Michael Schumacher / Rubens Barrichello)
In an unprecedented move, the FIA has already announced that Ferrari is the winner of the 2005 F1 championship. Freed of the pressure to aim for the driver's and constructor's title, the tedious Man United of motorsport is now free to devote all of its time to being a bunch of arrogant double crossing shits. Spies say Schumacher simply cannot be arsed with the new season and has replaced himself with a scary bionic half-robot from the future. Happily no one has noticed.
BAR
(Jenson Button / Takuma Sato)
Despite denials to the contrary, the team must have been destabilised by Jenson Button's embarrassing attempt to join Williams at the end of last season. Sort of like leaving a party in a flurry of sincere goodbyes, and then remembering you've left your jacket behind. Incidentally, rumours abound that, having attempted to become more serious by insisted his names was 'David', BAR's former team boss is to go to the other extreme by becoming known as 'Dave Rick'.
RENAULT
(Fernando Alonso / Giancarlo Fisichella)
Flavio Briatore's Victorian Workhouse For Young Drivers has yielded a great result in Fernando Alonso, who remains committed to the team, despite being paid just a shilling a week. Renault will be hoping to keep up their 2004 tradition of making great starts, but there are concerns that actual race pace may be affected by the ever increasing weight of Alonso's hair and eyebrows.
WILLIAMS
(Mark Webber / Nick Heidfeld)
After a disappointing 2004 season, teams bosses Frank Williams and atrick Phead have made a big statement of their intent to up the stakes in 2005 by selling their private jet in order to liberate more funds for serious development. Of course, Williams will also have more spare cash to spend on the cars now that Montoya has left for McLaren, as they can comfortable slash 75 percent off the budget for pies, cakes and lard.
McLAREN
(Kimi Raikkonen / Juan Pablo Montoya)
McLaren were a bit rubbish during 2004, something that might have been down to a rare form of drag that engineers often call "David Coulthard". Although that has been solved for the new season, there is some concern that during interviews Kimi Raikkonen appears to be turning into Garth out of Wayne's World and that Montoya has invented a new meal between dinner and supper. Meanwhile, to show how serious he personally is taking 2005, Ron Dennis has bought a new bomber jacket.
SAUBER
(Jacques Fucking Villeneuve / Felipe Massa)
Sauber are one of the great survivors of F1 and should never be discounted from surprising the big boys when they least expect it. Right, that's the cliché out of the way. Now, why in name of God did they hire that wanker Jacques Fucking Villeneuve? I mean, he's the kind of man that even Robbie Williams would describe as really annoying. Still, the first race is in Australia so there's always the distant hope that a mongoose bites him in the face.
DEAD BULL
(David Coulthard / Christian Klien)
Rises from the damp ashes of the Jaguar team, the Dead Bull team is optimistic that, even if they installed a two speed gearbox and one of those funny put-put engines out of a dumper truck, they couldn't do any worse than Jag did over the past few seasons. Mind you, with David Coulthard as lead driver, who knows what new seams of mediocrity they can mine.
TOYOTA
(Jarno Trulli / Ralf Schumacher)
Plodding along like your grandmother in her Yaris, Toyota are still here spending loads of money to score solid ninth places. Trulli can be fast until about halfway through the race, then he gets bored and slows down to have a rest. The second most talent Schumacher brother has been enjoying a winter motivational programme of listening to Erasure's new album, attending Shirley Bassey concerts and buying cushions.
JORDAN
(Narain Karthikeyan / Tiago Monteiro)
No sooner had he negotiated some engines out of Toyota than team founder Edward Jordan pulled off an even bigger trick by persuading tycoon Alex Shnaider to buy his increasingly rubbish F1 outfit. Sources say Shnaider actually thought he was paying several millions dollars to own unintelligent comedy knockered Heat mag slag Jordan and was rather disappointed to find he actually owned the second worst team in Formula 1. Shnaiderer is often called a "steel billionaire". This is because he is actually made out of steel.
MINARDI
(Christijan Albers / Patrick Friesacher)
Somebody has to be at the back and Minardi are happy to do that job. However, the team is refusing to rest on its laurels and will be entering 2005 expecting a fight as Jordan and Dead Bull in particular fight for Minardi's position as the slowest team on the grid. In their favour, Minardi have a couple of pretty unproven drivers, but then Dead Bull do have David Coulthard.
